27.09.2006

The Baggage Dialogues

ACT ONE

EASEL: Somebody please unfold me.
GATE AGENT: Sir, there is a $100 excess baggage fee if you want to check a third bag.
ME: What? I flew down with these same bags three months ago!
GATE AGENT: No you didn't, sir.
ME: Well, I did. There was no fee.
BAGS (together): He did!
GATE AGENT: If you flew down here with those bags, you got charged $100.
ME: You are saying I am lying to you?
GATE AGENT: The limit is two bags. If you have an additional bag, you have to pay $100. That has been our policy for a long time.
ME: But that's just not true. And these bags are small, they could all fit in a single suitcase!
GATE AGENT: Sir, you can pay or you can go, but right now you are not getting on this plane.
Visibly upset, ME hands him a credit card.
GATE AGENT: Cash only.

ME: What about now?
GATE AGENT confers with the CROWD OF CONTINENTAL EMPLOYEES that has gathered to watch.
GATE AGENT: We will allow it.
ME: Will you concede that this makes no sense whatsoever?
GATE AGENT: I'm sorry, our policy is quite clear, is there something you still don't understand?
ME: Yes! How does spending my last $20 to get this easel shrink-wrapped to my briefcase save your airline any money?
GATE AGENT: Sir, do you want me to stop you from boarding this flight? Because I would be more than happy to do that.
EASEL: Help me.
BRIEFCASE: Ow ow ow.
ME (under my breath): ¡Cabrón!

DRAGGY BAG: I am trapped and it's dark and everything inside me reeks of vodka.
GIANT SUITCASE: You better not be letting that leak out.
CONTINENTAL GATE AGENT: Sir, this bag is eleven pounds overweight. The limit per suitcase is fifty pounds.
ME: But I thought I was allowed two bags on an international flight?
GATE AGENT: That's right.
ME: And so the total weight limit is 100 pounds?
GATE AGENT: That's right, but a single bag cannot weigh more than fifty pounds. Either you take out eleven pounds or you have to pay the overweight fee.
ME: Well, I have a second bag packed in there
GATE AGENT: Perfect!
Me: But will you concede that this makes absolutely no sense?
DRAGGY BAG: Let me out.
GATE AGENT: Sir, our policy is clear, no bags allowed over fifty pounds.
ME: But you will acknowledge that the only difference is that now the bags will take up more room in the plane?
GATE AGENT: Sir, this is our policy. I don't set the policy.
ME: But on the grounds of reason and logic and simple human decency, will you agree with me that this makes no sense?
GATE AGENT: Oh sure, if you use logic it makes no sense at all.
ME: Thank you. Thank you so much.
The DRAGGY BAG emerges in a haze of vodka.
DRAGGY BAG: Sweet freedom!